A Night of Thoughts
Christian rock. From the End of Silence album, released in 2006. More info from Wikipedia.
Something I typed up last night before I went to bed.
Today turned out to be a long day. The first half of it consisted of some classes on Afghanistan culture. Fortunately for me, it was aboard Mainside, so I had perfect cell phone reception. This allowed me to send texts to my sister and Josh as well as a quick one going to Lorraine, telling her my expected dates out of the desert. The brief few texts I sent to Josh consisted of more lies about what I was doing, all the while laughing at his gullibility.
This afternoon however, sucked ass. Immediately following the Afghan culture classes, I got on a bus bound for the lower recesses of Hell, also known as the desert I'm currently located in. We mounted up for a trip atop one of the mountain ranges in anticipation for the last official training event while here. However, the trip didn't go as planned, and one of my staff NCOs got a hair up his ass about anything and everything. What made matters worse is that he blamed the NCOs for the problems that arose. Bear in mind he didn't blame the sergeants; rather, he singled out the corporals as the source. So corporals had to stand the usual watch that is normally stood by the junior Marines. This forced my bitter side out, and I started yelling at every junior Marine that wasn't moving fast enough for my liking. I hate showing my nasty side, especially considering that I'm practically as laid back as they come. Yet a certain staff NCO forced the change. Ain't that a bitch? (I know 'ain't' isn't a word, but who gives a shit?)
Because corporals has to stand watch tonight, I volunteered for the first watch. I've stood watch countless times prior to know that the best watch is the first. The middle watches suck ass because you have to wake up in the middle of the night, and while the last watch isn't as bad as the middle, it still sucks because your day starts earlier than everyone else's.
So what did I do on watch? Other than walking around the trucks, I had a shit-ton of time to let me mind wander and think about anything that came to mind.
The first thing that came to mind was Fiesta. I can't wait to get back and start playing again. I have one hell of a reputation in the PvP area I'm frequently in as being completely epic and losing to no other mage my level (level 76), so the others that are regulars there miss my presence. In addition, Josh told me that the only mage that can beat me in there has quit. Josh is trying to get that player's equips for me, since every one of them are far superior than the ones I have for my mage, hence the reason why he can beat me. I told Josh that if he got them, don't tell me, nor even offer a hint regarding them. He said he'd give them to me when I got back, provided he manages to get ahold of them.
After Fiesta was off my mind, the only other thing of significance to me (of which actually has more significance than Fiesta) that rippled through my mind was Lorraine. For some reason, the day I got to spend with her just before coming here ran trough my mind a lot. Maybe it was such an awesome day, I don't want to forget it? Possibly. Besides, I highly doubt I will; that was the first time Lorraine and I were able to spend a day exclusively in each other's company, and such an awesome day cannot simply go forgotten. But as I tend to do so often, I'm digressing.
I recalled practically every event that transpired over the course of that day. Everything from the conversations in my car, hearing how her visit with Brandon went, her listening to the story behind me fooling Josh into thinking I'm a girl, lunch at Macaroni Grill and watching Toy Story 3 at the movie theater inside Fashion Square Mall were all recalled. It made me wish that we had or will get another chance to do something similar again. In addition, thinking of that day brought other pleasant thoughts to mind. Not a typical guy's thoughts, mind you; but other thoughts that I feel should remain unsaid. Besides, since I know Lorraine is the only person that reads this, if she wants to know these thoughts that I'm withholding, she can ask me about them, and she knows I'll tell her.
Not only did the aforementioned thoughts run through my mind, something else that Lorraine told me several months ago rippled through. Her little "novel" on advice pertaining the situation between Cassie and I (although said situation is no longer a concern) hit me. But not the whole thing. Rather, a portion of Lorraine's advice stood out above the rest:
"I also think it's important to be happy with oneself before one attempts to make anyone else happy. If you need someone else to make you happy, you're not happy with yourself."
So what does this have to do with anything?
After recalling these words, it made me realize that because the drama between Cassie and I that lasted five and a half years is no longer a concern, I feel I'm finally happy with myself. The story between Cassie and I has ended, which means closure between us has finally surfaced. Although it's not the closure I was expecting initially, I'm still grateful it happened the way it did. I'm sure Lorraine will agree with me when I say that Cassie was most likely dragging my personal happiness down by falsely claiming to love me and share the feelings I had for her. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse (awful as it may sound), but because of all that has happened since I've been back from Africa, I can safely say that I'm happier than I have been since February 2009.
So keeping with how Lorraine feels about happiness, does this mean that I'm ready to start trying to make someone else happy? Only time will tell, although I personally feel that I am.
I think for now though, sleep is high on the priority list. Waking up in three and a half hours isn't going to be pleasant. Add in the fact that my wrists hurt from how I'm holding my iPod whilst typing and the heat even at midnight, I think now is a perfect opportunity to get some form of rest before the inevitably long day that awaits me arrives. Oh wait, it's technically already here. Out-fucking-standing.