Solemn
Metalcore. From the When Skies Wash Ashore album, released in 2008. More info from Wikipedia.
This update is most likely going to be short; just going to be my spill on what I read in Lorraine's update, as well as a recent change in my personal life.
The first thing I want to tell myself is that I should have seen this coming. In the time that I've felt things have been good between Lorraine and I, I've let myself start hoping on something to happen, and that's never a good thing for me to start doing. I started basing possibilities on the outcome of the past couple visits with her, and such actions have left me wide open for something to go wrong.
This doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. She did admit that she likes me (actually, it was more based off what I said in my previous update), but she's clearly still hoping that something could happen between her ex.
When I read that, I instantly threw up the red flag.
I don't mean to sound hurtful in any way, but looking at a potential relationship with someone who still has an ex on their mind is an automatic no-go. I feel that it's not fair to the person who's trying to initiate the relationship to pursue someone that that has feelings for another. To me, it's a one-way street: One person feels they want to start a relationship with another, yet the other person involved doesn't want to because they are unsure about an ex.
This is the exact situation that has befallen me.
Lorraine is a good kid (and I don't mean that in any negative connotation), and I truly felt that with a lot more time invested, something could happen. However, after reading what she posted, I'm not so sure it's a good idea. Don't get me wrong, this not a way for me to say that I'm not going to talk with her. I'm simply implying that any thoughts of a potential relationship are out the window, for the simple fact that she's curious about an ex. Until she's certain about the standpoint between her and he ex, no progress can be made.
Does this make me sound like an asshole? I feel my asshole side is starting to rear its ugly face, and I'm none too happy about that if such is the case. In either case, I'm done talking about that. Continuing on this tangent is liable to get me extremely pissed off at myself, and I may end up doing something that I may regret, whether to myself or someone else.
As far as the other thing I wanted to mention in my update this evening, it's quite similar to the topic of the past couple updates from me. But considering I'm likely to over-elaborate everything, I'll go into detail.
A couple days before I left California, I saw that Hollis sent a message to me on Meebo. Since I couldn't get reception for my phone, I used my iPod touch at the Warrior's Club to access the internet and get on a multi-chat program to talk to people I normally associate myself with (Meebo). As a side note, I've known Hollis practically as long as Cassie. Initially, Hollis and I talked quite a bit, but over the years, we've found that we've both been busy and just didn't really have time to talk. We did periodically and we always swore to remain in contact, but never managed to make it happen. /tangent
Anyway, Hollis sent a message to me, at which I replied as soon as I could. Once more we swore to remain in contact, but then genius struck me. I offered to give her my cell number so keeping in touch would be worlds easier. I couldn't really text for a couple days, being in the desert with no signal, but the day I left was filled with tons of texts ranging from a vast multitude of topics. These texts occupied the entire time I was waiting for the flight to leave California, and I found myself smiling every time I got a text from her.
But it gets better.
At some point in our conversation, an idea about planning a road trip surfaced. She told me she didn't like to drive, but liked going on road trips. And what did I do? I pushed the envelope and told her the next time she wants to go on a road trip to call me, at which point I'll drive up there to pick her up, then take her on a road trip. And she found this to be a great idea. Not just for the humor side, but actually on a serious note. She's waiting for a good break in school, where she'll let me know and we'll make it happen. We're both equally excited about this, since it'll technically be the first time we ever met.
It still gets better.
More texts sent to her led me to confessing to her about me thinking what a relationship with her would be like at some point in time. I asked her if she ever had a similar experience, and was much surprised to find that she did indeed ponder the possibility of a relationship with me. When I read that text, I couldn't stop smiling. Here I was, taking a huge risk by asking her this, and it paid off.
In a nutshell:
Over the course of time we've been in regular contact, things between her and I have always been pleasurable. I enjoy getting texts from her, and hope she feels the same. However, I should tread lightly; when I start to get these feelings, I tend to get my hopes up, and once more, that's not a good way for me to go. We'll just have to see what time brings us, but I can't help to keep thinking about it. Ever since that text, the thoughts of a relationship with her have constantly been on my mind and it makes me wish there was a way it could happen. For now though, I just need to approach with caution; if I get my hopes up and it doesn't work out the way my mind wants it to, I'm liable to be devastated, as clearly shown in regards to what happened between Lorraine and I.
I do believe, however, sleep once more has priority. Just because I'm back in my barracks room getting back to a normal work routine doesn't mean that I can throw my sleep time out the window. I can do that when I get out next year.