Something Quick, With Some Self Pity
Metal. From the Self-Destructive Pattern album, released in 2003. More info from Wikipedia.
Definitely going to keep this one short, because I'm pretty tired and ready for bed. Just feel like getting something off my chest.
I took a look at the past two updates I made, and part of my feels sickened by them. Not necessarily because of the content in them, but because what I somehow found the update itself to be based around. For instance, two updates ago, I posted that I felt like a hypocrite for somehow finding a way to get Cassie back into my life, even if I wasn't directly involved. I think it's true; I really am a hypocrite. Swearing myself off to her back in June, yet I turn around and invite her to the Ball in November, then tell her I planned on visiting for New Year's? I say I'm going to do something, yet what I actually do is the complete opposite. Definitely sounds like hypocrisy right there.
Let's add some fuel to the fire: the conversation between Hollis and I. Back in California (or at least right before I leave), I find a way in which we can remain in solid contact. Things go pretty good for the following month or two, with me saying that I didn't think we'd lose contact. And what happens? I haven't heard from her in weeks. Not to say that I'm going to die if I don't hear from her, but I said I'd keep in contact with her and I didn't. I think the exact moment where contact diminished can be pinpointed to when there was a massive room change in the barracks. The room I'm in now is worlds worse for cell phone reception than my old one. I could at least send texts practically anywhere in my room (still had to go outside for phone calls), but I can't do shit in my new room. I barely get signal anywhere in this room, which makes calls (or texts for that matter) next to impossible to make. Sure, I could go outside where I get some form of signal, but leave it to me to be too lazy to leave my room for anything but chow and work. I swear to God, this is why I'm pretty much anti-social.
And because I'm in the mood to rant, let's talk about my anti-social tendencies for a brief moment. I blame the fact that my social life sucks (and my personal life for that matter) because I'm an anti-social person, which this isn't really the case. I'm not anti-social because I can't help it, I'm anti-social because I choose to be, yet for some reason, I actually want to be able to have friends (and a relationship with the opposite sex). Contradictory, don't you think? I don't have friends because I can't get them, I don't have friends because I don't make time to make them. Why? Because I'm lazy. Because to me, my life on the computer and in my room is more important than wasting time trying to build friendships and seek relationships. I feel I'm an extrovert at heart, yet I act like an introvert.
I think it's time to wrap this up, so I'm not going to waste time in doing so.
Basically: I'm a hypocrite. I'm an extrovert trapped inside an introvert's body. I have few friends, no love life, and haven't gotten laid in nearly two years (mid-November was a fluke and REALLY doesn't count). I constantly wish I could find someone of the opposite sex to build a relationship with, yet I don't actively attempt to make one because I'm lazy and wish that a relationship with a girl that has an awesome personality would just land in my lap without me doing any of the leg-work. I'm confused about my own personality; I don't even really know who the hell I am.
I just don't know what to think.