A Night to Rage
Heavy metal. From the Fever album, released in 2009. More info from Wikipedia.
To be honest, I'm not raging at all. This update is going to be about whatever my mind tells me to type. I'm a little inebriated - so I'm more than likely going to type anything that comes to mind. With any luck, this might end up being one of my most comical updates yet.
Before my brain gets the better of me, I want to take a brief second to talk about Kayla. There have been times over the past couple of days (to include the very day I posted an update) where I've had second thoughts about Kayla and whether or not she's being legit. I'm not going into detail (because I don't want to and because I don't think I could sober up enough to explain said details if my life depended on it), but that's what my mind has told me. At times, I'll sit there and think, "What if she's just playing me for a fool, and she doesn't give a damn about me?" Or I'll think, "What if I'm making it seem like I'm clingy when we're not even a couple?" At worst, I'll think, "Don't get your hopes up, jackass. She's far too cute for you - she doesn't deserve some closet geek like you."
On the other hand, I've been thinking about her quite a bit over the past several days. It's been nearly a week since we last saw each other, and it'll be another couple of days before I'm able to see her again. All I've been thinking about for most of the day was how I was going to tell her what I really wanted to - about how, in such a short time, I've grown to like her and would like to see where things take us (in a relationship standpoint). I just don't know if I'll be able to do that, for the simple reason that I'm still a bashful son of a bitch. I remember back in high school, it wasn't a problem for me to get with Liz. I honestly don't know how I did it; how I worked up the balls to talk to Liz and tell her how I felt. In all reality, I didn't tell her face to face - I told her through a little note that I wrote her in my English class junior year - the rest is history from there. However, that was the better of six years ago. I'm a goddamn adult, not a kid. I need to grow a set of nuts and tell Kayla how I feel and not be a little bitch about it. This has been the main focus of my thoughts today. I've been running seveal scenarios in my head so I can be better prepared to expect anything. Because of how my mind works, most of the time the scenario ended in rejection, and I've got the tendency to believe what my gut and my brain tell me.
On the other hand, I spent quite a bit of time talking to her after I got off work today. I somehow convinced her to start playing Fiesta, and I spent practically all of my night explaining things about the game and talking to her about anything that came to mind. At one point, she asked me if I had any questions for her, be it in-game or not, to which I asked, "Would you like to meet me out at the rink Friday night or would you like me to pick you up?" Initially, she said that she'd drive, since she saw no point in me driving out to Bethune from Hartsville, just to turn around and go right back to Hartsville with her, then drive her back to Bethune after the night was over. I reminded her that driving is my specialty and would have zero objections to driving out to pick her up for the evening and return her home after the night ended. After hearing this, she reconsidered her decision and said, "We'll see. ;)"
My brain told me that I've said enough, mainly because I've been awake for nearly 22 hours and I'm in desperate need of sleep. Besides, if I want to talk to Kayla most of the day tomorrow, I need to get my ass to sleep, since I'm almost certain she's already sleeping.
I really hope things work out between us the way I'd like them to. All signs currently point to yes, but the answer is Kayla's alone. I'll just have to accept the answer, for better or worse.