A Little Bit of Loneliness
Rock. From the Asking Alexandria album, released in 2017. More info from Wikipedia.
Today passed by relatively quickly. I didn't get any quality sleep last night, which in turn caused me to sleep in later than normal; by the time I managed to pull myself out of bed, it was close to 11 AM.
After crawling out of bed, I walked outside. Larry was working on his car, replacing the driver door handle that broke earlier this week. I used that as an opportunity to dig out the lightbulbs that he bought for me yesterday when he went to pick up the replacement door handle and replace the reverse lights on the truck; Larry told me that one of them was burnt out. When I replace bulbs, I normally replace both, so I don't have to worry about slight brightness mismatches or the other bulb burning out shortly down the road.
Before long, I had to return inside so I could start working on my part-time job. Today's activities were similar to yesterday's, except that the training wheels came off and I was responsible for doing my own data research for one of the databases. This wasn't horrible — I've been paying enough attention to know what needs to be done, so I started to get to work on fetching the data for one of the countless databases that this company has. I had a golden opportunity to work a full eight-hour day, but chose not to. This company has a policy that requires employees to take their lunch break before they've worked five total hours out of the day; as I was approaching my five-hour limit, it was almost 5 PM, and instead of taking a lunch break so late in the afternoon, I decided to just work a half-day like I originally planned. I submitted my time sheet, reflecting a grand total of nearly 7 hours worked between yesterday and today. This week also ends the current pay period, so my first check is going to be hilariously small. That's okay; Monday will start a new pay period, and that will be the first one in which I work actual part-time hours. My goal is to work about 20 hours each week, which should be easily obtainable.
After work today, I called my sister to talk to her. Apart from my counselor, Larry, and his wife, my sister is the only other person that knows of my current situation. She sent me a text right before I started to work asking how I was doing, to which I replied, "Eh, not great. I'll give you a call later today and talk to you about what's going on." As a result, I told my sister about Kayla's ideas to pursue a divorce, and my sister and I proceeded to have a solid hour-long conversation about the situation and the developments between Kayla and I over the last couple of weeks. It felt good to talk to my sister; I haven't talked to her and shared personal things like that in a very long time, so it felt good to confide in family for the first time in a while.
After my call, I went to a restaurant to eat a slightly early dinner and have a beer. Unfortunately, I forgot to grab some extra cash so I could pay for the meal without having to use my card, so I'll have to explain the meal to Kayla when I see her tomorrow.
And on the subject of tomorrow, I'm going over to talk with Kayla sometime tomorrow afternoon while the kids are down for a nap. This is intended to be a period of time where Kayla and I have more than a measly hour to talk or worry about asking her mother to watch the kids so we can. Despite this, I still get the feeling that it won't be as long as I'd like, but those are the cards I'm being dealt currently. I'm not entirely sure what's on the agenda for discussion tomorrow — she asked me what specifically I wanted to talk to her about and that she thinks our primary goal should be to talk to Liam about our current living arrangements. I'm on board with this, provided that the discussion is not going to mention divorce to him. I have no idea what I will say nor how to say it, but the ultimate message Kayla and I want to convey is that we both still love and care for him. I'll need to do a little research before I go over there.
I'm starting to yawn excessively — thanks Cymbalta — so I'm going to start wrapping this up. Going into tomorrow (I guess technically today, since it's after midnight), I have mixed emotions. I've found myself at peace with my current living arrangements, despite not being at the house, but I don't like the idea that Kayla is heavily contemplating a divorce. Of course, my dislike for this train of thought is expected, but it leaves me almost dreading going over there to talk with her, even though I want to talk to her and see her and the kids. I should probably shrug that feeling off; while it's not pleasant and something I will take pleasure in doing, if I truly want to fix our marriage and I am truly serious about doing absolutely everything in my power to do so, then I need to chuck that feeling out the door, let the good Lord protect and strengthen me, and keep my faith in Him. Doing that will ensure I'm on the right path that pleases Him, even if it ultimately means that Kayla and I do in fact sever our bond. I just hope and pray continuously that God's will is that we can reconcile and become an even stronger couple than we ever were. I just need to keep the faith and pray. I just hope that's what Kayla wants as well.