Progress
Metalcore. From the Victim of the New Disease album, released in 2018. More info from Wikipedia.
Today turned out to be much better than expected. As previously stated, I headed over to the house today with the expectation that Kayla and I wouldn't talk too much about our situation and our future. This couldn't have been any farther from the truth. While I did spend a great deal of time talking to Kayla (I still want her to open up and spill the beans), the conversation was fruitful, constructive, and helped put my mind at ease.
There were a couple of buzz words that I picked up on her saying that made me feel good — I don't know if she intentionally said "baby" and "honey", or if she is just used to saying it, but today was the first time I've heard her call me by any term of endearment since this ordeal began. She also smiled briefly, and I wasted no time telling her that it was good to see her smile again; this was rewarded with another weak smile. I'm not complaining.
I reiterated that I was on board with following through with her plans for divorce, in the sense that we sit down and hash out all of the assets, arrangements, agreements, and anything else required; I also reiterated that I was going to spend every opportunity and effort I had in fighting for our marriage. She got choked up a handful of times, and it led me to believe that she truly doesn't want the divorce — I don't think anyone actually wants one in a situation like this — but still feels like this is what we need right now. All things considered, I said a lot of what was previously said on Wednesday in much greater detail, explaining that I fully understood her position and that I'm willing to work with her despite not wanting to go through with it. Worst of all, she doesn't know if she'll be at a point where she thinks she can move on before the one-year mark arrives (thus making us eligible for divorce), and she wanted to know if after a divorce, I'd just give up then. I told her that right now, my focus is on saving the marriage; if divorce arrives, my focus switches from saving it to reviving it. I need to make her fall in love with me all over again. I've got plans for that, but we're not there yet.
This is the third entry I've made in as many days, and it's probably the shortest one thus far. I'll close this one out by saying that the couple of minutes just before I left were the best I've felt since this all began. I reiterated a couple of things that were said earlier today to reaffirm that I plan on devoting myself to fixing our marriage and coming out of this stronger than ever. This was rewarded with a large tear that slid down her face; I promptly wiped it away and wasn't met with any recoil. I figured I'd press my luck a little farther and give her a kiss on the cheek (because whether she believes it or not, I still do love her) — she didn't recoil (or at least I didn't notice) like she has other times I've tried to show simple affection. I'm not sure if it made her uncomfortable or not, but I'll ask her about it tomorrow when I head over there to see the kids.
Nonetheless, today felt like progress to me. At this point, I'm taking any win, no matter the size. Today felt like a win.